17 Comments
Mar 20, 2022Liked by Timothy Noah

I lost my sister 35 years ago. I was a suicidal teenager, raised to believe psychotherapy was what rich people do. But I made it. The thing is, though, that I still grieve for her intensely at times. It makes me feel close to her. I’m the only member of my family who will bring her up in conversation, uncovering good memories and things about her that would have been forgotten. Grief is truth. Grief is love. It is a wilderness that you were thrust into, but years later you go back into it; a ritual of love and longing.

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Mar 19, 2022Liked by Timothy Noah

Thanks. Heck, I still miss your first wife, and I was only a reader of her columns. My son’s wife was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer in November. Their girls are toddlers. The landscape changes completely. This essay means so much to me both in terms of respecting the depth of the loss and maintaining hope for the future.

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Mar 22, 2022Liked by Timothy Noah

Grief. I am so grateful for your essay and also, grateful for the medical world officially recognizing the fact that humans need grief counseling, or the support and space to grieve. I cannot talk about my own grief, and the grief felt by my two sons. Our grief falls into the category of something we should just "get over," our official timeline for grieving has expired in the eyes of the people who know us. Thank you for your thoughts.

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Mar 21, 2022Liked by Timothy Noah

Well said, Tim. I was reading The Hounds of the Baskervilles yesterday, and musing how the brilliant logic of Sherlock Homes and his creator, Arthur Conan Doyle, dissolved into fantasy after the grief he suffered when his son died. Do I think Doyle was right in his belief that there are fairies, or that mediums truly could help him to communicate with the dead? No. But if it helped one of my favorite writers get through his grief (poor soul) ... who am I to criticize?

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Mar 21, 2022Liked by Timothy Noah

Thanks for this. It helps me understand that almost two and a half years after Marvin’s death, those occasional times I am overtaken by waves of sorrow and longing are not abnormal and may continue. As I’ve worked to prepare Marvin’s papers for the university archives, the anguish and seeming injustice of his illness and death frequently smack me square in the face. And though I am moving on in my life with a new house and a new relationship, there is a kind of comfort in not forgetting what he did and how he is missed. He valued your friendship and I appreciate your compassion in sharing your experience.

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Mar 20, 2022Liked by Timothy Noah

This sentence is everything, "But you never really get over the death of a spouse or a sibling or a parent and I’d mistrust anyone who did." That's exactly how I feel. I'll never not feel sad that my brother died almost 40 years ago. It's different now than it was then, but I still feel sad sometimes and I think it would be weird if I didn't. I didn't know your wife, but I loved her writing and there are a couple pieces I re-read regularly or share with others and they always make me think of you and your kids and how much you all must miss her. I said to a friend who posted the NYT piece yesterday that I'm sure it is helpful for people who need insurance coverage to have prolonged grief given a billable code, but at the same time, it feels almost insulting to people who are feeling their feelings and living with grief over time. Thanks for writing this piece so eloquently.

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Mar 20, 2022Liked by Timothy Noah

Yes. If I had to put a number to it, I’d say ten years before I “got over” the death of my brother. Also ten years for grieving the fact that I never got a PhD, but that didn’t, doesn’t, ever make me suddenly gasp with the fact of it. As does the death of my brother. Still. 37 years later.

Old school Catholicism got me through, though I am self-excommunicated. Christ on the cross was the only comfort. He suffered, died, and was buried. Any questions?

There was comfort in the acknowledgement of this blunt fact.

I always sort of said “yeah,yeah” to the next part, the what happened on the third day, the rising again, figuring it was just a footnote, an after-thought, a throwback, a spiritual Easter basket, soon shredded, consumed, scattered… and deteriorated, in the way of worldly things. But true, it was a way back into that world, so yes, it did help. But the fact, the Big Fact remained. We suffer, we die, we are buried. Live your life in the face of that.

(It’s a tough love, I’ve always felt. But it is love.)

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Tim- whew. So completely loved this piece- is that the right word? Grief remains the thing that I feel at some point almost every day after what- nearly 40 years. How my sisters death shattered our family and shadowed the last part of my parent’s life. And Marjorie, always. I’m so glad you had the grace and courage to write this. Thank you.

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Mar 20, 2022Liked by Timothy Noah

I mourned my mother's death for years, even as i went on with my life. What's wrong with that? How dare these therapists put a time limit on grief. What do they know about it, anyway?

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Mar 20, 2022Liked by Timothy Noah

I lost my late wife to Breast Cancer. I was a member of a support group for a while after.

The best advise I could ever give about this topic is there is no standard time to grieve. It is a very personal journey. No one should plant a flag and say 'here's the acceptable grief time.

It's a painful journey, put one step in front of the other and you can find peace.

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Mar 20, 2022Liked by Timothy Noah

Thank you for this. I watched my mom die of 25 brain tumours a year and a half ago. This week, I felt jarred to hear my dad refer to something that happened "before she died", despite having seen her take her last breath. I agree there is no timeline for grief, and what's more, I personally found the grieving process couldn't even begin until I had processed the trauma of watching her die. Given that the pressure to "be okay" is not only imposed by society, but also by the griever themselves, it feels particularly cruel to pathologize an unavoidable part of the human experience.

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Mar 20, 2022Liked by Timothy Noah

Terrific piece, Timothy. I have shared it with some recent widowers who've worried about their own grief. You've done an amazing job yourself, including for the memory and works of your late wife Marjorie. Pretty sure she'd give you a thumbs up and be happy for you.

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Mar 19, 2022Liked by Timothy Noah

Thanks. Heck, I still miss your first wife, and I was only a reader of her columns. My son’s wife was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer in November. Their girls are toddlers. The landscape changes completely. This essay means so much to me both in terms of respecting the depth of the loss and maintaining hope for the future.

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Mar 19, 2022Liked by Timothy Noah

Thanks for this, Tim. It helped me.

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